Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Voguing during sex: yes or no? And ... it's Limerick Wednesday

I had a conversation about sex last night and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Because I overshare.

Next week I am planning a post about the color of my phlegm and how many times in my life I’ve had a UTI.

We were talking about the weekend and the topic of strippers came up – naturally.

Martini: Have you ever done that for a guy?

Me: What? Stripped? Well, duh. You kind of have to in order to get to the next part.

Martini: No … like a lap dance. Like a strip tease.

Me: No. No, no, no. I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands. I’d probably start voguing or something.

Uproarious laughter from Martini. Now, granted, she and I had just come from the world’s scariest workout with our friend A-to-the-izzo where a wee little man with chicken legs and a buzz cut forced us to jump up and down and punch things for an hour while shouting something about swatting flies and playing songs about “The Candyman.” Obviously, the only way to recover from said workout was a dinner of nachos and skinny girl margaritas at a nearby Mexican restaurant. We were dehydrated.

Martini: You’d start voguing???!!!

Me: Yeah, probably. (SG demonstrates amazingly sexy voguing skills.) Or doing the running man? Or just like pantomime or something. Like, “I’m stuck in the box. That’s right big boy. I’m in the box. You want me? Come and get me out of this box.”

More laughter.

Martini: Seriously. (Laughs.) You wouldn’t know what to do with your hands?? Oh my god. Light bulb moment. I know why you’ve been single for so long. We can fix this.

Me: Really? I mean, you don’t vogue during sex? Really?

(Actual snorts and hands slamming on the bar, causing the waitress to look over at us and consider, for a moment, stopping service.)

Me: Seriously, though, I know what to do with my hands during sex … I think. (It’s jazz hands, right? Jazz hands?) But when the spotlight is all on me, like if he was just sitting back looking at me expectantly; I’d probably go for the BJ before the strip tease. I can shake the booty, but what do you do with your hands?!?

It’s like people who go “running” down major thoroughfares. Why do they do that? They look stupid. Why? Their hands. They’re just kind of awkwardly flapping at their sides.

I warned you earlier I dance a lot like Elaine from Seinfeld. I don’t think those moves should ever be brought out in the bedroom. Ever. Well, maybe …

In all seriousness, this particular point of sexiliciousness has been a sore spot, a sort of kryptonite in my superhero-like self confidence, for some time. Maybe I should take a class. Or put a stripper pole in my bedroom. Or bring back voguing.

Or maybe not everyone is meant to have the strip tease in their arsenal. Maybe some people are better off just tying those hands to the bedpost than trying to bust out a H.O.T version of the Tootsie Roll.

What do you all think? What makes you feel awkward? Do you try or just give it a pass? Discuss.

P.S. I don’t think I need to remind you that it’s Limerick Wednesday, as it has gained unprecedented popularity. Maybe something about voguing is in order …


  1. Ahem. I cannot. Stop. Laughing at this. And of course, in my head, you have no face, so there's just this sort of crazy looking chick with no face switching from the running man to her best vogue with jazz hands pantomiming being trapped in a box. While her boyfriend just sits there in awe.

    If I were that boyfriend, I would stand up and applaud...then carry you to the bed to stop the madness. Except maybe the jazz hands. Those can stay.

  2. God, our conversations are GENIUS. I'm pretty sure the employees of the unnamed Mexican restaurant were making cracks in Spanish about the "lightweight white girls" when I practically spit tequila out of my nose.

  3. It’s jazz hands, right? Jazz hands? HAHAHAHALOLOL. Slapping my hands on my desk, spewing my Adkins shake right out of my nose! Dying. This is my favorite blog ever. I have no idea what to do with my hands in a strip tease either! Perhaps shadow puppets on the wall. You like the bunny? Oh no, you like the big dog. Ack. We're screwed.

    Limerick time!

    There once was a girl with bangin curves.
    She knew how to work them and cause quite a stir.
    Until it came to her hands, then she was lost.
    She would flail about and go from smokin' to frost.
    Little did she know, that's how her man liked to be served.

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  5. Hahahahaha. This. Post. Was. AMAZING. Back in college, when I thought Cosmo ruled, my boyfriend at the time stuck a torn-out article in one of my Cosmos. It was made to look just like Cosmo article-the folio was even changed-but in actuality it was devised by the masterminds at Maxim. The title? "How to Strip for your Boyfriend" Clever ones, those Maxim editors.

    Needless to say, I never utilized any of the tips from that article. Voguing sounds much more fun/seductive anyway.

  6. Ha ha ha ha....I'd act just as weird if I was put in that position!!!!! I mean, in movies and stuff they make it look so easy, but I'm not hot or particularly graceful or a natural dancer, so I'd probably just look like I was having a fit or something, and that is never going help 'the mood'!

  7. shine - funny you say that because I really don't have a face! Are you stalking me?

    Martini - Epic. Legendary. Genius. None of these words are too strong to describe us.

    A. - The big dog! Amazing. Thanks for the idea. Also, excellent Limerick Wednesday contribution.

    Miss Procras - Oh, Cosmos. Curse you! Putting crazy ideas in our heads when you should be writing about The Vogue.

    chicknamedhermia - I'm feeling so much better after reading these comments. Apparently we've all been duped into thinking women are doing these smoking hot strip teases when really we're all just out here feeling awkward about it. Also, I have found my fits really do help 'the mood' Ha! Thanks for commenting.

  8. So I've now tried to comment on this post of yours for the past 4 days and for some reason my damn computer kept blocking me from commenting. So by now I have forgotten whatever witty comment I was going to write. But I'm here. And I'm reading. And if you don't see a comment from me it's b/c MY COMPUTER IS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME & NOT LETTING ME DO WHAT I WANT!!! :)

  9. this was funny. i am SO awkward with everything during the sex. the sex is awkward. and also? blow jay instead of strip tease? any. day.

  10. I just twittered the FUCK out of this, because I cannot. Stop. LAUGHING!!! I love you!

  11. OMG I'm dying. Found you from LiLu's tweet. I agree though-- maybe when you're stripping you should just stand with your back to them and that way they can't see your hands... who knows. maybe that's why strip clubs have poles. gives the girls something to do with their hands.

    It shall be one of the worlds great unsolved mysteries.

  12. i just found this through LiLu's twitter, and she was right, this is fucking hilarious! next time my boyfriend asks for a striptease, I'm totally busting out voguing