Thursday, 2 July 2009

This is why I'm always drunk. And a call for advice.

I know I haven’t written in awhile. I guess I had/have writer’s block. Or an extreme case of the lazys. Or a sense that I’d rather not have certain people who I now know are reading this know certain things I want to write about.

Also, like it always manages to do, work has sucked some of my will to live. I’ve been put in charge of all of the “emerging media” at my office – Twitter accounts, web content management, Facebook, blog. Sounds fun, but it just means that when it comes time to post something on a personal account I’m all crabby and tired of it. It’s like I always say, they don’t call it funning. It’s work.

I actually have a file on my desktop labeled “More notes for a blog post you are obviously never going to write.” That’s because I’ve started to write at least a half a dozen times and then completely nixed the idea.

Anyhow, two things inspired me to write today – one super fun and one super sad. I need your help with both.

Let’s start with the fun.

I am hosting a spectacular 4th of July extravaganza this weekend. There will be pools and food. I will show off my Rock Band skills by playing Lazy Eye on “hard” over and over again until people really hate me. And of course, there will be copious amounts of booze.

I’m making something called tequila-soaked watermelon, which is like a classed-up version of when you used to take the absolute cheapest vodka you could get someone to buy for you when you were a teenager and then cut a hole in the watermelon and pour it all in there white trash style and eat it until you were all drunk and kind of sick.

With this recipe you actually soak wedges of watermelon in tequila and triple sec, squeeze lime over it, sprinkle it with salt and enjoy. And people hate Martha Stewart … you should be thanking her.

I told my friends about this plan and they were, of course, overcome with excitement. But they also kind of laughed and said something to the effect of “Ideas like this are why you’re always drunk, SG!” And then Martini had the stroke of genius:

“We should start a blog that’s like This is Why You’re Fat only it’s This is Why You’re Always Drunk!” (BT dubs, if you haven’t read TIWYF, you are in for a disgusting treat.)

So we need ideas. Send them along. What are the things you put alcohol in? Like how I put Bailey’s (or straight whisky, whatever) in my morning coffee for a year in order to deal with the world’s craziest boss. Or how Martini makes dinner better by making “Bloody Mary Salad.” Get creative people. I think we are really on to something here.

And now, my rant. Have you all seen the commercials for the Fox show “More to Love”???

From the first moment I saw this, I was irritated. It seemed very exploitative. But then I thought, maybe I shouldn’t be so steamed. Maybe I can’t understand the dating issues of overweight people and should shut up about it.

Then I got a very upsetting e-mail from my bestie last night. She and I have been friends since we met in the summer between fifth and sixth grade when we were in Summer Stock together (I played Rapunzel and I brought down the house. Holla!) She’s the most beautiful person I know. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body and has always gone out of her way to be generous and loving to everyone she meets.

She’s also always been overweight. In her e-mail she explained to me how lonely she is feeling and how sad she is that all of her friends are embarking on new and exciting relationships.

“I just don't feel like watching people be couples while feeling like I'm never going to be,” she wrote.

This is what she had to say about the new show: It's the bachelor but for "real women". What they mean is overweight. And the bachelor isn't some hot rich guy like he is on the regular bachelor. Because fat women can only get fat men. That's the way the world works.

It made me think a lot about dating and how do we couple. How we find someone that has all those qualities that are important to us and that is also attractive to us (and we attractive to them.) It’s a miracle, really, when you think about it.

She’s thinking about trying Match or something like that and I think she could really use some words of advice. But ya’ll know how annoying advice like this is coming from a person who is happily in a new relationship. You just really want to smack them around a little. I’ve been there. So, to all my single ladies, what do you think? Any words to live by?

Please and thank you.

And please drink responsibly this weekend! And if you don’t, please send pictures of your debauchery.

I’m off to soak my melons. Missed you all! I promise not to go away for so long again.


  1. OMG, that watermelon shit sounds so freaking good. I'm putting that on my list of things to try when I get back home. I'm always drunk but its never for a good reason. Does that mean I have a problem??? :)

  2. "Soak my melons." That's what she said.

    Now that I got that out of the way, I'm pretty sure alcohol can go into anything. For softball, we add vodka to Gatorade because they don't allow open containers at the field. We make jello shots with any kind of alochol around (tequila, rum, vodka, 99 proof whatever...). I'll think of more, I'm sure.

    As for the dating, I still think it's amazing that you can have a 100% failure rate at something and still have hope. I figure, if you're still single, all previous relationships have failed. And yet, we all still try. I don't have any great words of wisdom. Except that while people younger than me are all married... there are still people older than me still looking too. And while I don't believe in soulmates, I believe that there is someone out there that will be a good partner, a good friend, and you two will make a good team. And he's still out there for your friend.

  3. As a woman who is overweight herself (although I've lost 37 lbs since Feb!), I know what your friend is going through. I will say this though... I have dated while skinny and I've dated while fat and the process is much the same. There are quite a few normal-sized, great guys out there who aren't really worried about weight. Trust me, I've dated them. The point is, it didn't work because of our personality issues, not because of weight.

    I haven't dated for the past year because I have not been happy with myself as an individual, mainly my weight. That's my issue with myself though. I figure, that if I don't like me, I can't expect someone else to like me and if they do, then I'll just question their judgment because they don't think the same way about me as I do about myself. So, I've determined that I won't date again until I'm under 200 lbs (25 lbs to go!). That's my personal decision though.

    Also, having done Match, please tell your friend to be honest about her size and watch out for the sickos who just want an overweight fuck-buddy. They will assume that she has no self-esteem because she's overweight and will put up with that crap. She should post a full-length picture so that there are no nasty surprises when she goes on a date and a guy won't call her back because she's heavier than he thought. She should also have an idea of what her expectations are and not compromise when someone doesn't treat her as she deserves.

    And, yes, the watermelon sounds very tasty!

  4. Please tell me "soak my melons" wasn't about the watermelons.

    So here's the deal. I'm not a skinny girl (I'm a size 10-12). I wouldn't consider myself fat, but the world probably does. That being said, I get asked out all the time. Even by skinny boys. Because I live up to my nickname, supposedly. This is not about tooting my own horn, here, I swear. My friends say that my "light" shines so brightly that people just want to be close to it.

    I have curves and I'm real. I eat what I want, I drink beer when I want, but I also workout four or five days a week. I'm involved in things.

    I would suggest to your friend that she find some hobbies that she enjoys. Because the best way to meet people who like the same things you do is to do the things you like! It's important to be yourself and exactly yourself and nothing else. Meeting someone under false pretenses just doesn't work.

    That "More to Love" show makes me want to puke. A lot. Women and men of all shapes and sizes can find love with whomever. Shape and size (to a certain extent, at least) only matter to shallow people. And if someone doesn't love you for you, what's the effing point?

    I wish her the best of luck. Always remind her that being a beautiful person is about more than what's on the outside and anyone who doesn't appreciate that isn't worth her time. But I know it's hard to feel like you'll never have what your friends have. Tell her to stand strong.

  5. Loves this post. Watermelon = genius. Website = genius and looking into it. Your friend = YES, regardless of size, aren't all of us single people feeling a jealousy/hatred toward people in love? (Yes, SG, I'm talking about you, hehe...but in a completely i-love-you way of course!)

    However, "fat women can only get fat men?" I don't think that statement's accurate, and she shouldn't limit herself. I would hope that all us singletons on Single Island are stuck here under the same set of fate/chance/luck rules. Love is like roulette, and you just keep putting your bet down over and over and over again and one day your number will come up. That's as much as I've determined thus far, because it doesn't make sense any other way. The only people whose numbers won't EVER come up are the people who don't at least lay down a bet. So I would encourage her to keep the faith, keep putting herself out there (S&TC reference alert! SJP: "Believe me, SHE IS OUT THERE.") and not ever settling for less than she deserves because she's scared nothing else is going to come along. It will. That's what I keep telling myself at least. :)

  6. Me, you Rock Band. Let's do this. I will fly to Arizona to play. Not this weekend though. I slap da bass mon!

  7. I second everything Martini said. I also enjoy hating on any lovey dovey ridiculous people I see.

    This is why I drink: chocolate syrup + peppermint schnapps = peppermint patties/love

    Lastly, I'm a big girl and IMO thinking that fat women can only get fat men is the worst mistake you can make in the whole dating thing. Everyone has down periods where you think that you're going to be alone forever, but, like Martini said you've got to stick with it and stay in the game. Someone's out there. Or something?

  8. Kellie - it was amazing. And yes, yes you have a problem. :)

    LiveLaughHopeLove - I like how you think. It's more like "what can't you put alcohol in??" than what can you.

    Lauren - thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know she'll appreciate it! And good luck and congrats on working toward that goal!

    Shine - oh it wasn't. It really wasn't. And thanks for your thoughts. Your shine-ee-ness does come through all the time in your thoughtful writing. You're the bestest.

    Martini - thanks lady! Insightful as always. Although, I think the comment about fat women only getting fat men was sarcastic -- like that's what the media would like you to think, thus creating such stupid shows.

    RS - It's on. Like Donkey Kong. Bring it (and imagine me doing the whole Matrix come here thing with my hand.) And that you said you slap da bass mon made me love you. Just sayin'.

    Cheddar -- Peppermint what??? Pure genius. You are wonderful.