Friday, 29 May 2009

Relationships = hairy legs, stinky breath and One Tree Hill. Wait a minute ...

(Note on this photo: apparently the only people in the world in long distance relationships live in the northeastern U.S. and Europe, as every photo and illo I could find depicts it this way.
Newsflash: long distance relationships are weird.

I mean, you’re with this person. But how serious you get, how soon, etc. is all jacked up because each date costs an average of $300 in transportation. So you’re like, I have to be pretty serious to go on this date, right? But at the same time you’re trying to be all, “Whatever, I’m coy. I’m taking this slow.”

And let’s just be honest, you really do wish you could see them more. I mean, it’s the beginning of a relationship. It’s that time when you want to see them every day, and introduce them to everyone and spin around in circles like Elf singing “I’m in love, I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!” (For the record: not ready for the L word over here. May be getting there … Big step for me. But “I’m in like LIKE” doesn’t have the same ring.)

So, I’m trying to focus on the positive things about dating a person who lives 1,650 miles away from you (I Mapquested). Here’s what I’ve come up with:

You don’t have to shave every day. In fact, you don’t have to shave every week. I realized this morning as I picked up my razor and promptly set it back down that I can go three entire weeks without removing any hair from my body at all. This is life-changing. Since I’m all loyal and stuffs now, I don’t even have to worry that I might get too friendly with ol’ Jose C. tonight and then, in turn, get too friendly with guy-at-the-end-of-the-bar-who-looks-younger-and-less-like-a-monkey-in-bar-light. This is excellent. I may not even tweeze. I mean, who am I impressing? Think about all the things I can do in the time I’ll be saving. I feel like women must have felt upon the advent of the washing machine when they no longer had to spend the entire day down at the river scrubbing their husband’s disgusting underpants on a rock. (Let’s be honest, I’ll probably just drink more beer and sit around in my action pants listening to records.)

You can eat all the garlic you want. You can eat all the tuna salad you want. You can eat all the hot, yummy Cheetos you want. It does not matter. No one is getting close to your mouth for weeks. I mean, I suppose I could also think about sparing my friends and co-workers from my stank breath, but I don’t really care about that. My friends will love me anyway (and I don’t usually slip them the tongue, unless, again, I’ve gotten a little too friendly with Jose.) And my co-workers have to deal with it. Besides, I deal with them keeping the air set at 47 degrees and with them making up absolutely ridiculous words, like “phrasiologies.”

They don’t ever have to know until deep into your relationship that when you told them you LOVED One Tree Hill and they gave you a weird look so you laughed like it was a joke, that really, you weren’t joking. You really do love it. And when Lucas and Peyton FINALLY got married and you thought she died that you wept like a small child who had just been told there’s no Santa Claus. You also watch way more Everybody Loves Raymond than any person under the age of 67 should watch and you laugh like it’s the first time you’ve ever heard a joke.

You have a built in excuse to turn down offers to go out “to the club,” which you always hated but felt like you had to say yes to or else people would say, “Well you’re not going to meet anyone sitting around here.” You’ve already met someone. Na Na Na Na Phoo Phoo.

And, since your boyfriend is far away, you don’t have to do anything at all on a Friday if you don’t want to. You can sit in your living room, eating hot Cheetos, with hairy legs, watching One Tree Hill and Raymond and no one is the wiser.

I am so hot.

Remember when I used to ask, “Am I going to be single forever?” After writing this, I am asking myself how the frack I ever snagged a boyfriend. Oh yeah, it’s because he lives far, far away.

What would you do, or not do, if you only saw your SO once a month?

(P.S. I’m getting my first tattoo tomorrow night. It’s three years in the making. I’m so excited. Pictures to come!)


  1. I have been with D for what like forever (8.5 yrs) and shaving was over years ago (that is terrible to admit). I can't wait to see pics of the tattoo. I love all of mine and you will love yours too.

  2. Sixteen hundred and holy crap that's a long way! I guess you don't even have to worry about a surprise weekend visit with that kind of distance.

    In other news, the jackass thinks he's my boyfriend and calls everyday (seriously...everyday. In addition to texting. EVERYDAY) and he's a good kisser, so I let him. Is this shitty of me? I do constantly mention that I don't want anything serious and I think he's a jackass, etc, etc.

  3. My relationship just shifted to long distance and I thank you for pointing out these perks! I also know there has to be a better way to find cheap plane tickets.

  4. You CRACK me up! I am in love with you BECAUSE you don't shave, eat cheetos, say "action pants," and love Ray and OTH!!!!!!
    LOVE. I'll say it in circles all day. LOVE. And so should your long distance man.

  5. Right now I dream of being you :) When hubby was in Irak I would hang out all day in my PJ's (on weekends), never awnser the phone, eat ice cream while watching movies all day. Lets just say my hair looked like a rat's nest, but with no one around I didnt give a damn. Now I gotta be fully dressed, hair and make up done and the home spotless at all times since hubby is here and the in-laws love to give "surprise" visits. So ill take One tree Hill while eating Cheetos with hairy legs any day.

  6. Oh man! I just moved in with my squeeze after a year of once a month dating! The showering and shaving is exhausting me! Plusnow that I watch SYTYCD and ALL te real housewives stories he is starting to wondr about me....such is life I guess. It was a an interesting way to build a relationship, that's is for certain.

    Now I need to go get some action pants.

  7. Republicans love Everybody Loves Raymond. Just sayin'.

    You're so be hairy. :)

  8. Oh, how I miss the days of being able to go days, weeks without shaving. (Even in the summer.) Sooo excited to see your new tattoo! (I must warn you though, they are VERY addicting.)

  9. Ha ha about your photo - because that's exactly what I thought before I even read the first line in your blog: "WTF? Why do all the long-distance lovers have a better-half in Paris, city of Love, gag.." he he.

    In other news, Flaming Hot Cheetos ROCK. You forgot to mention that, in addition to stinky breath, they also give you orange fingers and moustache, though.

  10. Erin - exactly how long ago was your last shave? I can't seem to get past the stubble phase into the furry phase without caving.

    shine - we've tweeted on this subject. yes it is. and he's got it bad. Kiss away!

    Bethie -- you are most welcome. And seriously.

    A. -- why, thank you. I'm blushing, I think.

    pizzacraving - I'm glad we are on the same page. Ice cream ... excellent idea. And hair washing is overrated.

    Miss Tricky -- action pants are amazing. A. Mazing.

    Martini -- I KNOW! It's a sickness. Really.

    Miss Procras - Read my latest post. Sooo addictive.

    Frenchie - orange fingers. So true. Makes it hard to cover up when you've totally binged out, huh?