(I wrote this Friday but forgot to post with all the hullabaloo RE: my broken wing. Since typing is still a challenge, I'm glad I'm able to send in the reserves. BTW, gifts, flowers or just general well wishes are still being accepted. I'll find out tomorrow from the specialist exactly how bad I fucked it up.)
Good Day Sir,
I am writing to congratulate you because you have, indeed, fooled me again.
The first time, I was waiting anxiously for a response to a job application. I had been waiting for weeks. I was stuck at that crap sack reporter jobs for two years too long and was ready to break free, but due to my close-to-minimum-wage salary and teensy credit card debt problem, I was chained to my desk until I got a new gig.
A glorious new message popped up in my inbox. This is it. My ticket to a new life! The skies opened. Angels sang.
It was you. But it was OK because you were writing to me in this very personal e-newsletter to tell me how I would be seeing metallics everywhere that fall and that if I wanted to stay as sassy and fashionable as always I could buy all the cutest things at your place of employment for a reasonable price. You did me a solid.
Today, as I sat at my desk and saw that I had a new message in my inbox, I thought it must certainly be from my Virtual Crush (more on him soon) because he owed me one response to a quite witty and sweet e-mail I had sent this morning.
So imagine my surprise when I saw it was you and that you had only written to tell me that leggings are the “new trend alert” for this spring. NO FUCKING DUH. I could have looked out my window anytime during the last year and told you that.
So no, sir, I do not want more advice. I want you to stop toying with my emotions. When I hit refresh for the 47th time because I’m still waiting on that response that is clearly not coming today, if it is you with your banal advice ever again I am going to scream and then I am going to boycott your store (OK, the last part is probably an exaggeration, but I am going to shop there begrudgingly and not refold the sweaters I pick up.).
That is all.
Again, I bid you good day.
P.S. The suit you’re wearing in your newsletter is quite smart and well fitted. Did you get that at NM?