Monday, 30 March 2009

An open letter to Ken Downing, Neiman Marcus, Fashion Office

(I wrote this Friday but forgot to post with all the hullabaloo RE: my broken wing. Since typing is still a challenge, I'm glad I'm able to send in the reserves. BTW, gifts, flowers or just general well wishes are still being accepted. I'll find out tomorrow from the specialist exactly how bad I fucked it up.)

Good Day Sir,

I am writing to congratulate you because you have, indeed, fooled me again.

The first time, I was waiting anxiously for a response to a job application. I had been waiting for weeks. I was stuck at that crap sack reporter jobs for two years too long and was ready to break free, but due to my close-to-minimum-wage salary and teensy credit card debt problem, I was chained to my desk until I got a new gig.

A glorious new message popped up in my inbox. This is it. My ticket to a new life! The skies opened. Angels sang.

It was you. But it was OK because you were writing to me in this very personal e-newsletter to tell me how I would be seeing metallics everywhere that fall and that if I wanted to stay as sassy and fashionable as always I could buy all the cutest things at your place of employment for a reasonable price. You did me a solid.

Today, as I sat at my desk and saw that I had a new message in my inbox, I thought it must certainly be from my Virtual Crush (more on him soon) because he owed me one response to a quite witty and sweet e-mail I had sent this morning.

So imagine my surprise when I saw it was you and that you had only written to tell me that leggings are the “new trend alert” for this spring. NO FUCKING DUH. I could have looked out my window anytime during the last year and told you that.

So no, sir, I do not want more advice. I want you to stop toying with my emotions. When I hit refresh for the 47th time because I’m still waiting on that response that is clearly not coming today, if it is you with your banal advice ever again I am going to scream and then I am going to boycott your store (OK, the last part is probably an exaggeration, but I am going to shop there begrudgingly and not refold the sweaters I pick up.).

That is all.

Again, I bid you good day.

Best regards,


P.S. The suit you’re wearing in your newsletter is quite smart and well fitted. Did you get that at NM?


  1. I went to neiman marcus once.

    I had to use the bathroom

  2. Ken Downing is a fraud. If you actually read or listen to what he says- he never really says ANYTHING. on one video on the NM website he says, "Color loves color." the meaningless and impossible, "Punctuate your wardrobe from head to toe." WHAT?? and then the obvious, "Ruffles add a feminine touch." Please, a 5 year old gives better fashion advice and can spot trends easier.
    Everyone I know at Neiman's knows Ken is all hot air pumped up by drugs.

  3. I smell what you're stepping in truthteller ...

    rs, my mom say their bathrooms are great.

  4. what's his email?

  5. I emailed Ken Downing last week for some advice on a designer I'm currently working with. He emailed me within seconds while traveling and called me first thing in the morning on Monday, when he said he would. I had no previous interaction with him and he was incredibly responsive and helpful.