I had all these wonderful intentions for this evening.
I created a mental checklist while I stared at my computer in my office with my fingers on the keyboard looking like I was about to write something incredible.
I was going to stop at the grocery store and stock up on healthy food since my fridge is pretty much empty, aside from two beers, some tomato juice for bloodys, three bottles of white wine and some cheese. Sings: One of these things is not like the others.
I swear I was so bored at work I spent the last hour listening to Iron and Wine -- perk of being the only "creative type" in the office is that they let me get away with stuff like listening to music for "inspiration" -- and daydreaming about the lovely beets and cucumbers I planned to buy. For realz.
Then I planned to walk the dog and hit the gym for a solid hour. While there, I was determined to ask my absolutely adorable neighbor to join me and some girlfriends and a couple other neighbors at my place for dinner this weekend.
Side note: I had this genius idea about a week ago to invite people over for a getting to know you type shindig. I'm planning something super home-y -- my red wine marinara, which is amazing by all accounts but which is made in a vat and is not practical* for this single gal, with some easy sides and apps. I figured if I had people to share all that sauce with it would be totally worth the full day of simmering.
My ulterior motive (there usually is one with me) is to figure out if Gym Guy is gay or straight. We work out at the same time most days and I always run into him. I had written him off as gay because I live in the Gayborhood and all the cute ones here are gay, but then there was excessive eye contact, and then there was the helpful pointers on my workout routine (which was missed all three times because I had my damn iPod on so loud and was jamming out and had to stare at him and say 'Huh?' each time. Yeah, I'm smooth like that) I got all excited at the possibility. So, I thought I'd leave the invitation open to bring signifant others and see what happens.
But back to my intentions for tonight. I also intended to bake banana bread to use the bananas that I never ate, which turned brown and are one day away from attracting fruit flies to my kitchen. While the company might be nice, I thought I could surprise all my co-workers with homemade baked good in the morning for brownie points. Again, ulterior motive being that they start talking about lunch from the moment they sit down at 9 a.m. and by feeding them I can perhaps not have to hear about it until 10:30, or please sweet baby Jesus, 11.
But I failed all around. Instead, I went straight home in some kind of weird daze, had pretzel rods and Crystal Light for dinner, played Persona 4 for hours and then died before I could save my progress (bastards!), and surfed the blog world. At least I remembered to walk my dog.
Sometimes I think I have a serious problem with depression. Sometimes I think I'm just terribly lazy. I'm definitely experiencing anxiety over all my dumb weekend decisions. My eye has been all twitchy for two days. Now I just need to decide if I can motivate myself to resolve the problem the healthy way by getting back into my normal, non-drinking problem routine, or resort to the Ativan. I'll keep you posted.
* I stared at this word for ages thinking "That is not right." I tried "practicle" and "practecal." See what I mean about being in a daze today?
My BookPage Q&A with Allen Say
1 day ago