Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Does my dream guy exist? And should I have not sent that e-card?

I am very nervous.

Today Martini and I booked our plane tickets to the amazing resort destination of … Minneapolis, MN. Wait a minute. I’ve been hoodwinked.

Seriously, her BFF lives there and is pregs so she wants to visit. And said BFF is very rock and roll and fun (and I’ve always wanted to see what kind of place created the vixen that is Martini, although she’s not exactly from MN) so I told her I’d tag along.

There is another reason, however, that I am nervous/excited/popping xanax and stressing about the three pounds I’ve gained while skipping the gym due to my broken arm.

I will be meeting Virtual Crush. He’s dreamy. Cute. Intelligent. Hilarious. Great taste in music and stuff. At least I think these things are true.

On paper, VC is my perfect guy. One caveat: I’ve been “talking” to him for two years via social networking and e-mail but we’ve never been in the same state, let alone the same room.

It started when I had become friends with Martini and she said something like: “You like weird bands with names like MonkeyToadButtCrunch and dress kind of funky. You would like my friend Virtual Crush.”

She introduced us via that social networking site that is soooo 2007 (or as I refer to it in my house, The Site That Shall Not Be Named) and we started talking.

He included me in this dorky daily e-mail thing he and some friends do called Top 5 fill-in-the-blank related to music – Like Top 5 favorite band names if you had a band and what kind of music they would play. Or Top 5 songs you would have played had you been the DJ at your senior prom. Because I am the Ultimate Dork, I loved it.

This year for his birthday I had a giant presentation check delivered all Ed McMahon style to his office that said “To: Virtual Crush, Amount: Priceless, Memo: Happy Birthday!” because he once mentioned that one of his dreams was to get a “physically large check.” I’m pretty sure he swooned. He shouted me out by name in his ‘Book status. Pretty sure I swooned.

But now, after TWO years, I’m going to meet him face to face and all this stuff is going through my head: What if he thinks I’m hideous? What if he smells bad? What if he thinks I’m not funny? What if he has seriously thick back hair?

I look forward to his e-mails every day. They make me liz. I’m afraid of losing this weird little quasi relationship I have with him if one of us ends up sucking in person.

I’m also resistant to even considering the idea of a long distance relationship after how things have been going with LDLI. But I feel like there's this expectation -- like we've been talking for two years, now do we like each other or what? I'm pretty sure there has been clear flirting from both directions, especially lately.

But, VC doesn’t fly (says him: I bought the Phosphorescent album to help relax me on a gravity-defying, pagan-magic-holding-it-in-the-air aeroplane ride. I didn’t help.) so what's the point?

Part of me can't wait to meet him and part of me wants to keep this awesome little thing in a bubble where nothing can mess with it.

Lately I’m starting to think that I pick these guys that live far away from me so I can have a convenient thing to blame when it doesn’t work out. I think I’m becoming one of those cynical singles I’ve seen at movie theaters, alone, on Friday nights, throwing popcorn at Cameron Diaz as she finds true love for the 30th time.

I hope a bunch of cats aren’t next for me.

SIDE NOTE: LDLI was sick this week so I sent him a that said something like “Since you’re sick, I think we should skip the kissing and go straight to oral sex.” I haven’t heard back from him …


  1. Personally, travel is very important to me. There really is no quick way to get to Tahiti (or Europe or the Bahamas, etc.) without a plane, so if he's not down with that honeymoon plan, I'd say find another dude, or you could end up bitter. and with many cats....

  2. Please tell me you included a "You Are Correct Sir" and a downloadable Ed McMahon laugh with that check.

    If you sent that to me I would have made a mess of my pants.

  3. Don't worry SG, you will NEVER become the crazy cat lady!

  4. Midwestern men are great. Seriously. I hope he lives up to your expectations (and vice versa, but I'm sure you will!) And if you guys are going out (which I'm also sure you will) shoot me a message! I live in Richfield which is just 10 minutes south of Minneapolis! I'd love to meet you guys out in person for some drinks if I'm in town (although my May is looking fairly booked...)!

  5. Adonis: travel is important to me, too. But there are other ways of getting places -- canoes, Vespas. Right now I'm just trying not to put the 'ol cart before the horse.

    rs27: You can have a check, and the recording, if I can have a picture of those messy pants.

    Cristina: Thank you!

    Kellie: It would be an honor to drink with you. Let's keep in touch on this.

  6. I met my man online. We were part of a "social network"... The 1st time we were supose to meet face to face I missed my exit and by the time I realized it I was too far to turn back (on my way to another state) and so we promised to hookup on the way back...

    I didn't miss the exit that time! And even though I was stinky (a/c burned out, perfect timing) and cranky, etc. He still kissed me and hugged me, etc and we were living together within 2 months!! lol

  7. I understand what you're saying. I had a crush on this guy all through high school. Actually, I have no idea why, looking back on it, but I was young and stupid.

    After high school, we went out once. We sort of messed around and I discovered that his dick was about the size of an earthworm. How disappointing! I nearly cried. Well, okay, it was more like laughing. But after all those years, a girl has certain expectations, right?

    Not that I'm trying to freak you out more...oops.

  8. Shine! Why!!??!! You totally did. I hadn't even considered the Earthworm Conundrum.