Friday, 17 April 2009

I don't know much, but I know I love you ... (and a giveaway!)

Most of you know I’m relatively new to blogging. When I got here I felt all exposed and vulnerable, like that creepy New Year’s baby that has adult-like traits but still runs around with his ass showing. Kind of like this homeless guy in my neighborhood who smells of beef and cheese and sits on a throne of lies ... wait, that's Santa (dammit, I promised myself I'd stop taking cheap shots at Phoenix's homeless, and Santa. Bad, SG, bad.)

Then you all wrapped me in your loving arms and said, "Put on some clothes, weirdo" handed me a onesies, and watched what I’d do with it.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

If you put something (Obama) about the president (Obama) in you post (Obama), you will get a lot of hits (and ... Obama).

If you write about week old news and do it such a way that people believe you forgot to take your pills, no one will comment. (Except Shine and Kellie who are very important someones. And who forget to take their pills all the time ... hee hee. Thank you for not making me feel like an actual and virtual reject).

Writing about The Ex here is cleansing, but kind of a bummer for you guys, huh? Seriously, I thought I would be talking a couple of you down off a ledge. That guy's a douche. He's not worth it. Don't jump!

Followers make me happy. I've decided to send a sweet prize to my 20th follower. Not sure what yet. Most likely from Etsy or maybe this:

Don't try to explain your anonymous blog to a very dense boy who is eat-my-own-arm-off-to-f-him gorgeous but who thinks coy is spelled koi (as is the fish?). You will have to have long text conversations about how yes, they come up from time to time but no, they can't know what their pseudonym is because then it wouldn't be anonymous.

You all like pictures and videos. And while we're on the subject, you like to say you're not going to write recaps, but EVERYBODY reads them.

When you start a blog about your single sassy self, you get offers of free mini vibrators and bottles of cheap red wine (sounds like a typical night to me) if you'll plug websites about other sad singles. I love free stuff and have no scruples (although I love the word) so look forward to your ad soon.

I LOVE blogging. Almost as much as I like spending time with my real world friends (white lie) drinking (bigger lie) sex (biggest lie ever told). But at least blogging is socially acceptable and never says things to me like "Cab money's on the table."


  1. I love reading your blog everyday (I am trying really hard to not sound like a rainbow crapping hallmark card) your stories are so funny and I think you're an excellent writer!

  2. You're my new hero for quoting "Elf." The holiday season is not complete without watching that movie 20 times on USA (and then another 20 on DVD.) As a new blogger, too, I hear ya on the vulnerability thing. It's hard to know what to post and what to keep to yourself. But so glad you're around! Your blog is definitely a highlight of my work day!

  3. Poop for following too soon! I want a bible flask! I heart jesus and covert drinking!!

    This woman in my office who reminds me of Magda from There's Something About Mary smells like beef and cheese.

  4. Maybe we should un-follow, wait for it, and then try to be the 20th follower?

    I agree that talking about shit to strangers can be totally cleansing. Most of my friends don't get it. Something about free therapy from strangers who will probably never know you.

    Offers for free mini-vibrators rock...unless they come from the scary beef-and-cheese-smelling Santa. Then I'd run.

  5. If I didn't know I loved your blog before (which I did) today's Elf reference has confirmed you as one of my favorite bloggers. I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog?

  6. Haha, you're awesome. Have I ever mentioned that before?

    And, yeah, I don't tell any of my friends (much less men) about the blog. They just wouldn't get it. But I love it.

  7. biding my time on the follow thing then. hurry up, slackers...

    and yes, the guys here (am I the only one?) like pics and vid. we are pathetically shallow creatures....

  8. Cristina: rainbows and unicorns. It's all good. I'll send you your bribe money soon.

    Miss Procra: watching that movie multiple times is prety much a normal weekend for me. LOVE it.

    Martini: You said poop.

    Shine: Thank you for pointing out my poorly thought out idea. Also, yes, I would run from a smelly santa with a vibrator

    HTWS: Ha! Love that line.

    K: True

    Adonis: Bad plan. Bad plan. I think I need to make this a random drawing ...